i think my neighbor’s squirrels are gay

i was sitting on my front stoop with my cat when i noticed them frolicking. they were two small squirrels of about the same size playing silently, each taking turns mounting the other, then fighting a little, then wrestling, then mounting. i wondered why squirrels would be mating this late in the summer and then why they were switch hitting with the mounting.

it was then that i first thought they might be gay.

this hypothesis quickly started to gain momentum as one of the squirrels ran off and came back with his collared shirt flipped up and his bangs gelled into place. the other squirrel pulled on a tight t-shirt from abercrombie & fitch and presented the first squirrel with a choker-size wooden-bead necklace.

all of this seemed to be circumstantial, until a third squirrel pulled up in a geo metro with electronica thumping and a rainbow flag equals sign bumper sticker and squeaked something about meeting so-and-so at Cheesman Park before they head over to the Wrangler for chaps night. the t-shirt squirrel leaped down and hopped in the front seat, but the necklace squirrel crossed his furry little arms and stomped his hind leg with his little nose pointed up and over his shoulder. obviously, he wasn’t please about this situation.

much to my surprise, however, the t-shirt squirrel got back out of the car, kissed the necklace squirrel’s back paws and hopped into the back seat of the geo metro. the necklace squirrel got in the front seat and they screeched off down the street.

watching all of this, i realized that my entire hypothesis was based on circumstantial evidence and that none of this actually meant that my neighbor’s squirrels were gay. it’s wrong to stereotype, and it makes no difference to me if these squirrels are gay anyway. so i picked up my then-empty bowl of granola, slid my birkenstocks back on, and the cat and i shuffled back in the house to watch ellen reruns before rosie came on.